aku belum pernah nikah, tapi kok sekarang udah trauma dengan semua yang berbau pernikahan ya???? am I too weird????

tadi baca blog-nya seseorang, yang dengan kebesaran hatinya mampu menginspirasi banyak orang, setelah kecelakaan yang membuatnya kehilangan apa yang disebutnya "titipan Tuhan"... gosh.. betapa besar hatinya... membuatku merasa bahwa kebesaran hatiku yang selama ini kupikir sudah cukup membuatku survive, tidak ada apa-apanya... melihat si pemilik blog bersyukur dan berterimakasih untuk apa yang dia alami (yang selama ini tak kutemukan di dunia nyata, hal ini terakhir kubaca di buku Rohani yang sementara kuselesaikan sekarang), membuatku teringat percakapan dengan daniel that I should see the other bright side of any single circumstance. well, bukan hal yang gampang! for sure! tapi jika orang lain dikaruniai hati sebesar itu, haruskah aku protes pada-Nya jika hal yang sama tak dikaruniakan padaku? bahwa aku -dengan segala yang kumiliki- terus berkeluh kesah dan seolah-olah tak pernah bersyukur? bahwa aku -dengan sikapku yang perfeksionis- terus mengkritik ketika seseorang tak bisa mencapai ekspektasiku?

dan mengapa begitu sulit bagiku menerima kenyataan bahwa aku harus LDR lagi for a while? bukannya selama ini "keindahan" macam ini yang kusyukuri? hhoooaaaahhh... aku sementara mengalami pergerakan kestabilan emosional yang parah!!!!

lagi nyari opsi nihhhhhhhhh....... 

i really couldnot stop to deliver my disappointment for my ex-bestfriend, who acted really strange this last several weeks. Our fight was really really thrill me in such terrible way, but there always consequences for being honest. I realized how sarcastic our acting went, it hurts me as hell though, but maybe that was how we should learnt. I apologize if our great years should be ruined in this way, it just unexpected pathetic happenned. I just really couldnt get your decay outta my head!

 and for the other object, who shocked me with the proposal (maybe that is why we do really adore sandra bullock, yay!), should I say thank you for everything? and for the promise to shelter me from any pain? you ever be the caused of that pain, though. Could we make it up on this next opportunity well? and could we keep helding head high and holding each other tightly, for everything we've been passing through and everything we gonna passing by later?  i just do love the way we are flowing now, it goes to a good direction! I (and maybe U) maintain the belief that if two hearts are fated, then nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can tear them apart.  do you aware? How long has it been, since this storyline began? I hope it never ends, cos you're the only thing  that I like about being me. fairytale? whatever! i love it, for now. maybe also for later. i dunno.

and for another other object, who should not want to be fooled (again), we need our momentum, an "OUR TIME" for leeting it fly. nobody is perfect, neither do I. neither do U. neither anyone else. sometimes I hate to learn something in a controversial way, but life is always about taking risks, right? and pain is one of the plural things which make life is not tasteless (for us). i am sorry, dear.

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel Lyrics

 

When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

 

ps : thanks for the only one guy who keep inspiring me with his love...

 

"Tuhan itu sumber kekuatan, tetapi kekuatan-Nya bukanlah kekuatan untuk mengendalikan peristiwa, melainkan kekuatan untuk memampukan orang  menghadapi peristiwa  di luar jangkauan kekuatan kendali mereka."

(quoted from "Ketika Mimpi-mimpi Tak Terwujud".Harold S. Kushner.p14.2008)